4:00 AM. My alarm rings. Although I have barely slept, I still need to wake up. If not, then I am going to miss our choir practice. If I missed our choir practice, then I am not going to perform my church duties. If I will not be able to perform my church duties, then God will not be pleased with me!

For 20 years, that is how I lived my life. Sadly, everything was but a lie.

I am born and raised in the Iglesia Ni Cristo (INC). My parents are devout INC and so was I. INC taught us that our only way to salvation was remaining a member of the INC since it is the only church purchased by the blood of Jesus. Aside from remaining a member of INC, we were also trained to do good works – performing our church duties, attending worship services, giving tithes and offerings, recruiting people to be a member of the Church, and many more. Hence, for failing to remain in INC and to do good works (for the Church), my salvation will be on the line.

Because of that, I became so active in the Church. I held numerous office in the Church – from being a choir member to becoming a youth leader. I spend a lot of my time in Church. My life was basically – school, home, and church. Normally, I would choose to skip class whenever my church duties would conflict with my classes. I love my church duties so much that I promised God to carry it until my death bed. Yes, I was sooooo zealous for God. But the truth was, my zealousness was actually for the Church :(

Then, 2018 came. Next thing I knew, my life will be in darkest hue.

My dad got sick with cancer and my boyfriend was cold as ever. Thereafter, I missed graduating with honors due to an insignificant point of 0.05%. Pathetic, right? A month after graduation, my boyfriend broke up with me. Two months after that, my dad died. Yes, that was triple broken heart!.

I got depressed and lose a lot of weight. I cried myself to sleep and woke myself up to weep. Worst is, I even questioned if God is real. And if He is real, why would He let me suffer like this! I hated God at those moments. I even labelled Him as unfair and cruel because it was so hard for me to accept that my faithfulness to Him was reciprocated with nothing but brokenness. Above all, I was suicidal.

But never did I expected that I will come to know Jesus in this season of brokenness.

Due to my religious upbringing, I have always known Jesus as a mere man possessing God-given qualities. I have strongly upheld and defended that belief. But I started to doubt such belief after I got into a conversation with my office mate. My office mate fervently told me that Jesus Christ was God and he backed up his contentions with Biblical Verses. Intrigued, I started reading the Bible. This was the first time I tried to read the Bible and for the wrong reason – to prove to my office mate that Jesus is just a mere man, not God.

However, like any neophyte, I got confused the first time I read the Bible. A lot of questions were running through my mind. With that, I stopped reading it.

I did not stop attending INC worship services. But this time, it was different. I started taking notes during worship services. I started jutting down the biblical verses as well as their interpretations. This consistent practice led me to observe that the lessons were always about remaining in INC, calling people into the church, giving tithes and offering, obeying the Church administration, and fulfilling Church duties such as attending worship services. The lecture always states that these are all necessary to preserve our salvation. Moreover, the lecture always conclude with a constant reiteration that only the INC church was purchased by the blood of Jesus.

Consequently, I started to be critical of the Church’s teaching. I begin looking into the verses mentioned during the INC worship services. Later on, I discovered that a lot of the mentioned verses were out of context or tailored fit to suit their beliefs. This new observation heightened my doubt to the teachings I was once so faithful to uphold.

A classic example of verses taken out of context is Romans 16:25. INC taught that only the messengers of God (i.e. INC ministers) can interpret the Bible since the gospel is hidden in mystery as stated in Romans 16:25. But, they refused to read the next verse (i.e. Romans 16:26) which stated that the gospel was already revealed. Here is Roman 16:25-26, NET version.

²⁵ Now to him who is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery that had been kept secret for long ages,
²⁶ but now is disclosed, and through the prophetic scriptures has been made known to all the nations, according to the command of the eternal God, to bring about the obedience of faith—

Hence, a non-suspecting hearer will already conclude that the Bible can only be interpreted by a minister. This is absurd because Romans 16:25-26 does not state such. Instead, what it says is that the gospel (not the Bible) was hidden in mystery but is now revealed.

Going back, these observations coupled by my depressing life made me doubt my faith. From doubting whether God is not good at all, it also made me question whether God really exists or maybe he was made by people so that they can control other people (just like what some religion is doing). Thus, my faith is on the rocks! Nevertheless, I still attended the INC worship services – but with a doubtful mind.

December 2018. More than two months after my dad died, I got dismissed from work because of certain issues I won’t even mention since it left me traumatized. I cannot even describe what I’m feeling at that moment. But one thing for sure, I was depressed! I do not know how to go on. All I know is that, I got nothing to hold on.

Days went on like this. All I ever did was sleep, cry, then sleep. I never prayed. I even screamed to God that He was cruel. I told him this words: “Wow! You already took from me my father my boyfriend, and now my job? Fantastic! You’re not really good aren’t you?” Then after saying those, I heard something at the back of my mind. I can hear the time when my former boss mentioned this verse from Matthew 11:28.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Upon hearing this, I started to cry and I do not know why. It was then I realized that God is answering my accusations to him. He was answering me not by defending Himself! But, instead, he responded by inviting me to come to Him. God was calling me to enter into His rest.

It was then I realized that God’s response was a manifestation of my ignorance as well as my arrogance!

Hence, I bowed down and started repenting to God. With tears in my eyes, I can feel the love of God overpowering me. I started to pray. I prayed to God to reveal himself to me because I really want to know him for who He is. And God answered my prayer.

To be honest, I do not know where to start. But God helps me all through out. God used my office mate to guide me in my pursuit of God. My office mate lent me his Bible. Moreover, He instructed me that I must first pray for the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me as I read through the Bible. I really don’t understand it at that time because I actually do not know who or what the “Holy Spirit” is. Yes, 20 years of religious life did not give me a chance to know who the Holy Spirit was. Nevertheless, I followed my office mate’s advice. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to guide me. And everything else that follow was ineffable.

In this way, I was reading the Bible not on my own reason but on God’s instruction. Suddenly, my eyes were opened and my chains were broken. There, I know I have come to the truth. This was the first time I have come to know of the life of Jesus, which was hidden from me before. I learned about his goodness and miracles and how he died to save me from my sins. This is the message of the cross which changed me.

Yes, it hurts to know that all I have been believing for my entire life was a lie. But, that’s who Jesus is – freedom. Jesus has freed me from the false teachings in order to invite me to his eternal dwelling.

Now I know that Jesus is not just a mere man but he is God. And that he loves me even though how imperfect I can be. Then, I started to believe in Him. And as I confessed that I believe in Jesus, I can feel his love, peace, and mercy overflowing in me. Thereafter, I can feel all the weights of pain, rejection, and insecurities slowly draining out from my soul. I am loved and I am valued by no other than the King of Kings. Thus, I started praising and glorifying him. I started to seek Him and thankfully, He never tried to hide from me. And there begins my Christian journey.

But while I was on the process of discovery, I haven’t left INC. To be fair, I also talked to INC ministers but their explanations convinced me more that their teachings were false.

Later on, my mother learned about my new found faith and she was not happy. She was a devout INC and a church officer. When I tried to explain my faith to her, she told me to “leave the house” which I did. The next day, I left home. It was painful, but God was always there to strengthen and comfort me. Thereafter, God led me to this verse which gives me joy despite my sufferings.

“Truly, I say to you,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.” (Luke 18:29-30)

May 19, 2019. I left INC. I took my transfer certificate and I had never registered it to any local before it expired. Therefore, I am no longer an official member of the INC. After that, I felt freer than ever before.

Yes, a former devout INC church officer has left her old church! And she has no regrets…

My mother learned that I left INC and she was disappointed. Despite that, she still urged me to go home. But God already told me what my mom is up to – she will let me talk to ministers. Still, I decided to go home. And surprise! My mother really sent our local minister to talk to me.

Our local minister and I got into a conversation. We talk about the nature of Jesus. We discussed Hebrews 1:8 where God the Father speak of Jesus as God. I told him the minister that all Bible translations except for one speak of such. Aside, the only translation saying that Jesus is not God is the New World Translation which was made by the Jehovah’s Witnesses- a group which does not believe that Jesus is God. Then, the minister told me that the correct translation is the New World Translation – a biased translation from a sect that does not believe in the divine nature of Jesus. With that, I am more convinced that their doctrines are really biased since they are only cherry-picking verses or translations which support their doctrines. There are also other falsehoods which we have talked about which I will not fully discuss here.

Other ministers also tried to message me. I asked them question which they cannot answer. Worse, they use ad hominems and pathos in their arguments. They are telling me that I was blinded by Satan and I don’t know what I’m saying since I am not a “sugo” (messenger) like them. Also, they told me that my mother will be stripped off of her “tungkulin” or church duties if I don’t come back to INC. Still, my love for Jesus and my conviction for the truth prevails over anything. Unable to convince me to go back to the Church, some of these ministers blocked me in their social media accounts.

But this decision was never without a disastrous consequence.

My mother was disappointed of me and her “tungkulin” was taken from her. I felt sorry for my mother because I love her so much. I know what her “tungkulin” meant for her – that’s her true wealth. Still, I chose to obey God. And that obedience to God had made me love my mother in many ways even though we no longer share the same faith.

More so, my INC friends defriended me, some even blocked me on their social media accounts. Worse was, my childhood INC best friend broke our friendship by unfriending me in Social Media. In addition, other INC members also blocked me in their Social Media accounts.

Despite all of these lost, I was more peaceful and contented than I used to be. Indeed, this was God’s promised rest! And this rest is a zillion times better than the comfort of hundreds of INC friends or a parent.

Glancing back, I started seeking God last December 2018 and I left the Church in May 2019. In sum, God was working in my life for six months and God gave me the promised rest on the seventh month! It was interesting because God created the world for six days and rested on the seventh day. But in my case, God worked in months. And He is still continuously working in my life.

God led me to enter law school. A Christian friend prophesied that God will provide resources I need to fulfill His plan in my life. Days later, another esteemed Christian fellow promised to give me a work from home job with a pay which is more than enough to sustain my law school expenses. By God’s grace, I am already done with my first year in law school.

Believe me, I am not perfect, I still stumble. Yet, God always remained faithful and merciful over and over.

There’s just something about God that interests me the most – He sometimes breaks us to bless us. Yes, I was broken and hurt because I may have lost everything I valued and loved. Yet, in the process, I found my true love. And that was, Jesus.

Like the majority, I also aspired to be rich, powerful, and famous.

Photo by Jose Saura

The society we lived on bombarded us with false ideas of “the great life.” Mainstream media always shows us stories of rich, famous, and successful celebrities, businessmen, politicians, scientists and even influencers. They took these extraordinary narratives, exaggerate it, and always write about it. Well, as we all know, these are the stories that makes the most money since it interests many.

However, the problem with these extraordinary stories is that it is not the actual reality. If they must be real, they only corresponds to the tiny fraction of society. The reality is that the world is composed of ordinary people living in a mundane world. The reality is that life at all is not extraordinary. And the true great life is not usually what culture and the media tell us deceitfully.

These false ideas of the great life have drastic effects. It has created a false measure of success. Young people were made to dream that success can only be achieved by being rich, or famous, or powerful. Otherwise, they are just nothing – ordinary people living unsuccessful lives. I may be wrong, but these false ideas may also be the reason of escalating depression and mental health issues. This is because our youth were being made to believe that he can only be successful by becoming rich, famous, or well-educated. But as they grew up, they were slapped by reality – not everyone can be that unless for some who were lucky.

I was once deceived by these false idea of the great life. Seeing Britney, Shakira, and Beyonce on TV, I once dreamed of becoming a celebrity like them. I also want to be applauded and admired by millions around the globe. I am obsessed with fame. However, I do not have a voice like Beyonce or hips like Shakira. Thus, I feel like a complete failure.

Nevertheless, I did not give up with achieving the false idea of the great life. I tried to excel in academics because I thought this was my key to become rich or famous at a future time. But, this is also a vain attempt. Education may give you a degree but it is not enough to give you bags of money. Hence, I felt so inadequate.

This made me question God. It made me wonder why the extraordinary individuals (i.e. celebrity, businessmen, etc) who are not living a godly life prosper, but the godly ones do not (except for some). It made me asked God why pop stars who are in scant clothing, drinking, or partying are more popular than the Christian gospel singers. It make me question why some shrewd businessmen makes more money than the honest merchants. Therefore, I was confused, if God is just, why would he let the wicked prosper and his people suffer?

I am thankful that God rebuked me. He led me to Psalms 73.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

This is what the wicked are like— always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply
till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.

Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
They are like a dream when one awakes; when you arise, Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.

These verses hit me hard. Here I am envying the wicked without even thinking of their final destiny.

We must always remember that what we see in this world are just the surface, but nothing of the deep interior which is eternal life. Yes, the wicked and unbelievers may be enjoying their false idea of the great life. But, that is only ephemeral. We, Christians, however, may be living the ordinary and not so great life in the eyes of the world. But, do not be dismayed because this is also temporal. Living an ordinary eighty-year life in this world is nothing compared to the everlasting joy and eternal life we have in Christ.

Moreover, let us not forget that the Scripture has told us not to focus too much on this world. Instead, it tells us otherwise.

“Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Keep thinking about things above, not things on the earth, 3 for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”
-Colossians 3:1-3

So, never loathe if ever you are not enjoying the great life the world is full of. For this too are fleeting. But eternal life with Christ is everything. As the Scriptures said:

“If we died with him, we will also live with Him.
If we endure, we will also reign with Him.” – 2 Timothy 2:11.

Do not let this world deceive you. Do not let this world take this promise from you. Instead, choose eternal life. Choose Christ, even if it means being insignificant or a laughingstock in this world. Choose Christ, even if it means being unsuccessful in the world’s eyes. Choose Christ even if it means not living the great life by the world’s standard. Always remember, this world will end, but Christ will not. This world can only give you a temporary great life, but never an eternal life.

Therefore, focus our eyes to our final destiny which is the true great life – eternally living and reigning with Christ.